User blog:BlueFrackle/Professor Cavor vs. John Carter
Two space pioneers from early science fiction novels come face to face! It's the kindly absent-minded inventor Professor Cavor from H. G. Wells's The First Men in the Moon, versus tough Virginian warrior John Carter from Edgar Rice Burroughs' John Carter of Mars series. Cavor went to the Moon in a spherical device he created with Cavorite: a substance that shields objects from gravity; while Carter was supernaturally transported to Mars by means of astral projection. One is a peaceful explorer; the other is a raging warrior. Who is going to win this? Cast as I've imagined it: *Nice Peter as Professor Cavor *EpicLLOYD as John Carter *Everyone else in the ERB crew as Tharks (cameo) and Selenites (cameo) Naturally, Cavor's location is the Moon and John Carter's is Mars. The Selenites and Tharks back up their respective rappers similar to the armies in Washington vs. Wallace. A tentacled Martian from Wells' The War of the Worlds also makes a cameo during Cavor's second verse. Battle FANMADE RAP BATTLES OF WHATEVER!!! PROFESSOR CAVOR VS. JOHN CARTER!!! BEGIN! John Carter: I'm the warlord of Mars, also known as Barsoom That's a planet, Gyro Gearloose, not a small little moon I'm a legend – tear down whole armies barehanded! It's Virginian versus virgin, so you just can't stand it! While you're sailing with your bug friends and milking mooncalves I'm killing gods and exposing frauds – I split you in two halves! Never had a foe that took me more than seconds to slash You fat bumbling idiot who blew up your own lab When I'm done you won't be missed, in the moon or anywhere Your assistant went back to Earth and left you there! You bitch, check the name of my creator; you'll see That John C.'s the best rapper out of E.R.B.! Prof. Cavor: Let me moonwalk in, to scorch shirtless gasbags You're so much of a chicken that your wife lays eggs I piss in your River Iss, drown you in the lost sea Truth is your shit books are just escapist fantasy I'm a science innovator and I raise the stakes See if you got enough oxygen to light my flames Not even Cavorite could shield you from my lyrical force The only reason people watched your film was Traci Lords This punky Yankee with the brain of a monkey got bloodlust? A single hit from my fist and he'll crumble to dust! I prefer peace, but this could be your Valley Dor You're about to regret the day you warred with Cavor! John Carter: Was that your rap or that stupid humming sound you make? It's no wonder that shit was driving Bedford insane! Quit hanging with the wasp people on some mad peace mission For the sake of everyone I hope they cut your transmission Your diplomacy failed, the professor will get schooled Keep telling them about the Earth 'til they invade it, fool! Under the moons of Mars I raise my sword to attack! Leading the armies of Tharks – cause I'm the greatest jeddak! Hey I'd love to spend some more time here debating But I'll leave you now, because my princess is waiting Prof. Cavor: This isn't over, you imbecilic war fanatic I'm in the moon, but you're the one who's acting lunatic The only Martians I've seen are those of Wells, oh my! Is that your princess?! You must be into hentai! I scare your hair white, ape! Kick your ass-tral projection Does that sword compensate for your lack of erection? If you still want to come here then be prepared for a fight Don't bother getting a coffin that opens from the inside WHO WON?! YOU DECIDE! FANMADE RAP BATTLES OF WHATEVER!!! Category:Blog posts